it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
