I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
