Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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