walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
