You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
