You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
