When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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