Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
