I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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