Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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