I can text with my tongue
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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