...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
