I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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