One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
