the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
