the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
