I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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