While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
