Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
