I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
