WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
