just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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