Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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