I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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