It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
