Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
