We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize