I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
