My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
