my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
