Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
