Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
