There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
