i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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