6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
