made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
