So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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