I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize