My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
