I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
