Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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