He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
