Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
