and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize