This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
