I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
