Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This baby is an asshole
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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