he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
