How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Farmville is her only friend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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