Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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