I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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