ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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