The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
