I think I just saw someone hide a body.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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