Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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