Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All the doctor said was why
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
