my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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