mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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