Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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