Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
