I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
