It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
