I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
